Watching my sleeping daughter...Growing, changing, developing so much personality..I just feel so inadiquate some days...I'm responsible for her mental, physical, spiritual growth..Of course, God has my back lol.. We all make mistakes, but He is gracious enough to entrust us with such precious lives- his own beloved children to raise and nurture. What a humbling task. What a gift and a challenge. These thoughts inspired the folllowing poem:


I don't know how to be a mom
But I'll love you with everything inside
With all my imperfections
In the end I'll know I've tried

I don't know how to be a mom
How much is instinct, how much is learned
Already I've made mistakes
Already my pride's been burned

I don't know how to be a mom
But I want the best for you
Independence, strong mind, tender heart
Compassion, a voice, and walking in truth

I don't know how to be a mom
Maybe I'll ask you to teach me someday
And you can point out all my faults
And point me in the right way

I don't know how to be a mom
But I've been given this amazing task
Of nurturing you body and spirit
And of His grace I must daily ask

I don't know how to be a mom
Really don't have a clue
But I know we'll learn from each other
I know I'll grow more than you

I don't know how to be a mom
But I'll love you with everything inside
And trust that He will fill in the gaps
I know He loves you more than I

Distractions.............

Sometimes I feel like I get a glimpse of the eternity that we live in... And if I could stay in that mindset all the time, so many things would not matter, and many things would matter much more than they do. When this happens, grievences, disappointments, relational conflicts- they seem menial, compared to what is truly available to us in Christ. Yet, they are important, somehow, in their own way, and when caught in the web of time we are bound to. And moments, are meaningful, even if eternity stretches out before us... Moments with my daughter, with my husband, with those I love.. They are accounted for, and already they are a part of what is to come.

Perspective from the stroller

Time: 11am

Coffee: Serena Organic brewed at home

This morning on our daily walk, Nyah began to get hungry half way back to the car... She was sucking furiously on her hand and would make little dissatisfied grunts when they didn't produce the desired food! As we got closer to the parking lot, I could see the car and kept assuring her, now beginning to get even more distressed, that we were almost there.. And the thought hit me, (once again, I know its not a 'new revelation' but it felt that way to me this morning) how often I have found myself in this place with God.. I am complaining, or feeling like He is not hearing me, not seeing my need. And the present circumstances are so encompassing that I can't hear Him assuring me that He is in control and He knows what the future holds... He sees our future, he sees what is to come and how He will meet our needs... I am reminded of the week I first met my now husband... Nothing had transpired between us, although I felt the attraction and interest. I was a frustrated single 29 year old and felt that I had had enough 'let downs' or 'carrots dangled in front of me' when it came to guys. I told God, tearfully, the night before Tim was to leave and I thought I'd never see him again, that I'd had it! No more holding things in front of me that I 'can't have', be it dreams or potential husbands! I decided I would not hope anymore, and accept 'reality' that I'd be single forever. Little did I know, the very next day, his feelings for me were revealed, and he sent his first text message to me the following day, which turned into hundreds, and then hours on the phone, and then weekend visits, and then a missions trip to India, then a Valelntine's Day proposal. And then, just eight months after our first meeting, we were married!!! I can't forget how I know He perfectly orchestrated those amazing circumstances, especially when I feel I'm in need and the sky feels closed. He's not seeing what we are seeing... and its just an opportunity for us to trust.

Listening to:

hillsong+united/take+all+of+me+lisbon+portugal+paris+france

You broke the night like the sun
And healed my heart with Your great love
Any trouble I couldn't bear
You lifted me upon Your shoulders

Love that's stronger
Love that covers sin
And takes the weight of the world

I love You
All of my hope is in You
Jesus Christ take my life
Take all of me

You stand on mountain tops with me
With You i walk through the valleys
You gave Your only Son for me
Your grace is all I rely on

I love You so, and I give up my heart to say
I need You so, my everything

A Call to Mothers.........

Time: 3:45 pm

Coffee: Decaf Hazelnut Cream brewed at home...

"In every generation mothers must answer the call to be what no one else can be and to do what no one else can do for their children. It isn’t that mothers can’t do many other things, but if they refuse to accept their calling as mother some child ends up short changed. And the empty space that mother leaves echoes for generations. God calls us to bring to our mothering a high level of commitment, and a right perspective. Will you answer His call?" [Jean Fleming]

Yesterday I was thinking about how society has somehow conditioned us to believe that being a mom/mommy/mama is not 'enough'... I know I'm not the first person to think about or realize this.. :) .. However, I have felt challenged recently to examine my own thoughts on this, and my own ideas of a stay at home mom, or how I feel now that I'm one...

From the moment the midwife placed little Nyah on my chest just seconds after she was born, I have known that this task at hand is a very important one.. Often I have felt inadequate, unsure of my decisions, worried that I'm not giving her everything she needs to develop properly lol..

However, I can't deny that I have had 'moments' of doubt, or feeling insignificant. Moments when I realize that I have admired women who have been successful in business or a job or career they enjoy, while raising a handful of kids at home.... A career was never one of my goals, however, but missions work and travelling definitely were. As much as I loved kids growing up, and wasn't opposed to being a 'housewife', it was never my focus. I have always had a heart for orphans and children of misfortune and have had the wonderful opportunity of working with a children's home in India on three different occasions, another in Mozambique, and one in Hong Kong. I have imagined myself adopting children from all over the world, travelling and rescuing them from the streets or garbage dumps (in Mozambique this was a reality). And now, nearly every day, I am sitting on the couch, nursing or playing with my little one and ironically, one of her favorite focal points is the wall right behind the couch, on which rest several framed photographs of some of my little heartthrobs from India, china, and Africa. One is of my husband and I on our trip to India together, surrounded by five or six little dark eyed children, grinning goofily at the camera. I know she can't understand a word I say, but I still tell her about those kids, as she stares intently.

And I see that two worlds are colliding: One of this idea of travelling and loving helpless kids, and then there's my own daughter, staring at me with large intent and expectant eyes... smiling and laughing at my silly faces. And I get the feeling that neither is more important than the other.... And somehow, as every mother knows, there is a place in my heart, in myself, in my life, that I never knew existed, that has opened up wider than I ever thought possible, and has embraced and fallen in love with this tiny human, entrusted in my care.

What is 'enough' really and who is the judge?

I don't feel like I am missing out, or pining away waiting to go back to India, or waiting to 'do' something with my life. Eventually that may or may not happen.. And maybe the two 'world's will actually physically collide, if we get the chance to take Nyah to meet those kids we fell in love with. But for now, every time I look at her beautiful face, hold or comfort her, feel her nestle into my chest, I know I wouldn't trade places with anyone.. Yes, indeed, this is 'enough' for me.

"…too many women don't see motherhood as a vocation. The word vocation comes from the Latin word for voice. It means "a call," and I do believe with all my heart that there is no higher and no holier calling than motherhood." [Elisabeth Elliot]

The world of cloth diapers...

Time: 9am

Coffee: Starbucks' Gazebo Blend brewed at home

So...as if the whole idea of starting to use cloth diapers is not daunting enough, there is now a very vast array of them available to make the whole idea feel even more overwhelming... Do I want my daughter to sport 'Happy Hieney's' or 'Fuzzy Buns', or Bunny something or other, Knicker Nappies or Tushi something or other. This whole new world was opened to me as I walked into a diaper 'boutique' (we'll call it that) a few days ago. I suddenly felt dizzy from all of the colors and sizes and one size fits all or how about liners and disposable liners and covers and all in one with extra liners, hemp or organic cotton, chinese or indian, velcro or snaps..AHHH. Nyah let out a cry in protest when I held up a diaper to see how it might fit and I cast her an understanding glance.

I remember my mom using a simple white cotton folded diaper with safety pins that were slightly annoying and plastic pants that, well, always seemed stiff and uncomfortable.. I have to say, they're quite fancy now, and definitely more appealing in their fun colors and styles. But at this point, I really don't care what they look like, as long as they are comfy on my little one, and don't leak, and save us some money in the long run, because lets face it: disposable diapers are not cheap, especially when you decide you want to use the natural ones..

Then there's the 'poop issue' everyone thinks about..What exactly do you DO with it? Flush it down the toilet? Yes, but how?? By way of what, scraping? With what? And am I really supposed to dunk it in the toilet and ring it out with my hands?? Aha, problem solved with the special 'sprayer' that attaches to your toilet and makes cleaning off the unwanted excess a little easier... And the disposable/flushable liners are quite useful too..

Hmmm...So less daunting now, this whole idea I decide.. And I feel almost embarrassed at being overwhelmed by the idea of cladding one infant in cloth, as the sales lady tells me she did it with triplets!!! I end up leaving the store with an assortment of different kinds to 'try out'... Surprisingly, after three days, I am not so turned off by the old fashioned pre fold kind. Traditionally, they would have had to be fastened by those large safety pins if not for some new fun 'stretchy grabby clippy' thing that now holds them snugly in place. Not only are they relatively easy to use, they also don't cost a whopping 17.95 a piece (like many of the all in one styles do). And so, I make my first purchase- a dozen pre fold crisp white cotton diapers... looking large as the infant size is going to be too small for my rapidly growing baby! The fun part is picking out the covers which are friendly and fun colors and fasten easily with velcro. And so far, have held 'everything' inside.

Ok, so I'm not going 'crazy'... When we go on trips I'll be sure to have some disposables on hand.. and when I'm taking her out longer than an hour or so.... But so far, so good.

And what does Nyah think??? She seems as happy as ever on her changing table, and her squirming makes getting it all to fit properly a little more challenging. But if she were older I'm sure she'd have a thing or two to say about how large they make her little bottom look!!!!

I guess her onesey from Aunt Abby does all the talking- 'Does this diaper make my butt look big??'

A great site with lots of info on cloth diapering is: cutietooties.com